Never Returned Love

Years ago when I was younger

I never received a lot of hugs from my mother

I didn't know that it was the beginning

Of these cold dark feelings

Before I left for military school to get away

I hung around the wrong crowd you could say

They had sex, did drugs and smoked a lot

But I kept my head straight and didn't smoke the pot

My (ex) step dad was a fakking drunk

My mother always saying he doesn't know what he wants

After a few months dreading the evening nights

I finally lost it and started to break stuff

A few months more and I was shipped off to my special 'rehab'

Not knowing what was to come or the thoughts I had

It was my Heaven it was my Hell

But those ten months it was special

Coming back to this place made me realize

How stupid I was before these thoughts materalized

My brother had become head of the family

He tried to steal it from me so in the wall bashed his head

He decided to p!ss me off on a day that was special to me

Dear God you existed back when I believed in your being

Explain to me why my mother loves him more

Is it because he's a Christian of sort

I never noticed the signs that she didn't care

All this hatred I dread to bear

I hate feeling left out, hate being treated like a glass doll

But I want her love most of all

No matter how many times I dreamt of her death

I'll miss when she cared back when

Do you love me now mom?

Do you like what I've become?

Do you hate your little girl?

When to me you were my world

Anger returns every time you say I should've gone back

You tell every goddamn person, respect you lack

What about you fakking all your boyfriends

Preaching your morals, religion, and marriage, mother?

Explain to me why you won't look me in the eyes!

Explain to me why you continuously lie!

Explain to me why you hate my being?

Explain to me why you don't love me?

Is it because of my beliefs?

You said I could dream whatever I wanted to be

Is it because of my changing through these five years?

All you have to say if you don't want me here

You said I should always be myself

You just want me one thing and nothing else

You hate what I know!

You hate what I love so!

You hate what I am!

You hate me, just fakking say it!

Dear Mother,

Why do you love my brother?

I hear you on the phone bragging about your son

And hate even mentioning me

Dear Mother,

Why do you love my brother?

When he has done nothing, and I have of all sorts

Dear Mother,

Why couldn't you love me more?

Such Sweet Sorrow